Crying…

You know that awful feeling where you cry so much that you can’t seem to breathe, like the tiny molecules of oxygen are clogged in your throat, and no matter how hard you inhale you can’t get the air through your lungs. Your chest aches so bad that it feels like your insides are bleeding.

The organ pumping blood through your whole body gains a couple of hundred pounds, and you can’t bear the weight. It’s like everything in your bosom is about to explode, but it doesn’t, and like a ticking bomb you’re waiting for it to erupt. All you want is for everything to end. Your stomach starts to churn like someone is taking a blade and is slicing through your organs, causing internal hemorrhage. Your nose becomes stuffy, your cheeks become blotchy, and your eyes start stinging like someone is pouring acid in them.

The pounding headache is pulsing through your brain like a stick on a drum. Your temples are aching, and your shoulders become rigid. There’s a storm erupting in your mind, causing all sorts of damage that can’t be undone. The anxiety, the depression, the panic attacks all tear into you like needles piercing through a cloth.

You curl into a ball, press your knees against your chest and drown yourself beneath the sheets. The pillows get soaked, drenched in your tears. The world seems to zoom in and out, and everything around you becomes dark. So dark that even with so much light you can’t seem to see anything. Something human in you breaks. Your soul cracks apart, and there’s nothing you can do to rejoin yourself. A part of you that shined like the sun is now as dark as a pit of coal.

You want to feel something, but there is nothing in you except emptiness and that’s the worst feeling anyone can ever have. It’s like you’re plunging into this pit of nothingness. You’re waiting for the impact, but it doesn’t come. You want to crash so badly, to restart all over again, but there’s no beginning and no end because you’re trapped in between.

That feeling of nothingness just swallows you a whole. You want to be mad, angry, depressed. Feel something, but all you feel is a void in your chest growing with every passing second. Like a singularity up in space, you drown everything around you. Time, space, everything that is supposed to be, ceases to exist. You start losing a part of yourself that you know you wont ever recover.

Photo by Murilo Folgosi from Pexels