A page from my diary…

Because I find myself thinking about you in the oddest of all times. You’ve left your mark on me, and its embedded so deep that sometimes I can feel it tug at my lips. I smile at the thought of you like a salve placed on a burning wound I didn’t know I had. You’re like a cure to a poison that tends to swallow people with just a few words. Your voice is like a melody, and I hear it calming me down in the back of my head whenever I’m stressed. You listen not because you’re obligated to but because you want to understand, and that’s all that matters. I’m surrounded by people who hear but don’t comprehend.

I miss talking to you. I miss waiting for you to call. I miss being sidetracked from a fight I know I won’t ever win. I miss worrying about things I have no say in. I miss knowing that I had a safety-net waiting to catch me if I ever fell. I miss being happy. I miss the feeling of comfort when I talked to you. I don’t know that the home I was seeking was in you. But life is a gamble and I choose to play it safe. The endless outcomes, the probabilities, the possibilities all scare me. I’m terrified of being broken and terrified of breaking. So I will wrap you and seal you somewhere in the back of my mind and I will lock that door for it to never open again. But I know like a thorn you will sting, and you will hurt.

I’m a snake, and I will poison you the first chance I get. I will bite you and then blame you for what I’ve done. You don’t understand that you are the breeze of heaven and I am the wrecks of hell. You’re like a lighthouse illuminating the dark sky, and I am the ruthless ocean.

I am unstable and like a radioisotope, I will change forms to gain stability, but in my reaction, you’ll decay. In my degeneracy, you’ll lose your orbit. I will explode, and you’ll fall in my destruction. In my reforming, you’ll break.

I’m terrified of commitment because I am an eagle and eagles never touch the ground. I’m scared of loyalty, of love, of everything I’m not. But I will let you go, even though you’ve carved your name somewhere in my heart. I will clench my teeth, bite my tongue, cry but I will let you go. I will release you.

Photo by Min An from Pexels