The slit of a wrist

I slide against the door, sitting on the cold floor with my knees pressed against my chest. The back of my head is leaning on the wooden door, next to the doorknob. A pounding headache is wrapping its arms around my temples. I can’t think straight. The voices in the back of my head that I’m trying to ignore are getting louder and louder. They’re buzzing through my mind like bees do when they’re making honey. But the thoughts pulsing inside my head aren’t sweet, they’re as bitter as blood.

“You’re so useless,” a soft echo screeches in my mind.
“Maybe you should just die.” Another argues. “God doesn’t make mistakes, but look He made you.” I find myself nodding, silently agreeing with those greedy voices. Maybe they’re right. Maybe I am useless-

“No,” a softer voice cajoles. “Don’t say that, love.”
“Yeah. You’re amazing.”

The war I’m trying to avoid is taking place within me. I’m tired of begging to a God who has no intentions of listening to me. I’m done fighting a war that only leaves behind scars no one can see. I’m scared of embracing a future I can’t fully comprehend. I’m terrified of looking into a past I can’t understand.

My chest is bleeding, but there’s no blood. My wounds are so raw, yet they can’t be healed. I’m losing, falling, failing, and I’m okay with that. The tunnel that’s supposed to be filled with light, is drenched in darkness.

In my hand, I’m holding a blade that’s an inch long but it’s as sharp as a knife. I twirl it in between my fingers and wait for the voices in my head to subside. Tears as thick as raindrops leak through my lashes and roll down my cheeks, disappearing somewhere in my clothes. The saltiness stings my eyes, making me blink twice as fast. The blue bathroom tiles seem so blurry and the fishes on the curtains, hiding the bathtub from view, seem so alive; I’m convinced I’m underwater. Maybe that’s why I can’t breathe. My lungs are imploding, and I can’t seem to inhale or exhale.

The anxiety kicks in first and then the panic attack. Anxiety slowly slithers into the pit of my stomach as it nestles in my chest. The panic attack creeps up behind me, and I find myself begging for it to leave me alone as a helpless child does to a kidnapper. The voices in my head become sharper and the anxiety is starting to take a hold of my limbs, draining all the energy in me.

For a split second, I numb out the voices and focus on that blade in my hand. It doesn’t seem sharp anymore and for some odd reason, I want it to be sharper. I place it against my arm; the cold metal tingles my flesh as I slide it down, putting more force towards the end. Blood pours down my skin, paralyzing all those voices screeching in my brain. I watch the drops trickle down my arm as they drip on the pink tiled floor. I move the blade and jab it back into my skin, putting in more force then I did before. The sting freezes all the emotional pain, and all I feel is the ache in my arms spreading through my shoulder, palm, and fingers. It’s the kind of pain that brings joy. The one that makes you feel alive when every cell in your body is aching to die. It’s the kind of ache that sidetracks you from pain. The kind of euphoria that comes in the form of a burn. More blood drips down, forming a puddle that’s mixed with my tears.

I take the blade again and this time with rage mash it into my wrist with as much force as I can, pouring all my resentment and anger in that tiny metal. The blood rushes out like a gushing river, and I am so dazed by the red hue that all the pain just vanishes. The white wooden door, my clothes, the tiles, everything is draped in red.

Like a murder scene.

The soft voice whispers in my ear with such ease that I smile. I lie down on the cold floor, on the pool of my own blood.

It’s okay, child. It’ll all get better.

I close my eyes listening to that alluring voice as it wraps me around in its thick arms. I feel an odd darkness take a hold of me.

Photo by it’s me neosiam from Pexels

24 thoughts on “The slit of a wrist

  1. Please tell me this is all just imagery. Please tell me you are ok and that the softer wiser voices have won. I understand the ‘need’ to “self harm” I get it. But I also understand most importantly the need for “self-care”. You write so beautifully. 🙏🏻

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Dang, girl! Cause, people do this! I get it. Lots of ways to self-harm…it becomes an addiction.
        Ok, so now I am curious—when you write a story like this—do you feel the emotions too? Like you are cutting yourself? And then the emotional release?
        I’ve got your back😊

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Yes… I do feel the intense emotions; it’s a form of release. But I wouldn’t do this and no one should. I understand where people are coming from, and yes it does become an addiction… and that’s an indication that help is needed. And there is nothing wrong with seeking help. Thank you for your concern ❤

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Such beautiful writing! I was captivated by the imagery and the emotions that sparked through your writing. I hope this is just your writer imaginations and nothing more. Know that I am always here if you need to talk. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hello Rinum This blog is screaming out for help in many many deep avenues hoping to find someone to rescue the lost child inside of you. I know it is just a poem and it reaches such deep pits of horror because we can some times let life get to us. There are ways to relax and call the numbers of family and friends or drug centers or rehab centers. Any thing is better than this the end of her life.

    You are a fabulous writer Rinum. I enjoyed the story and I could learn from you actually. Take care my friend !

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Such a poignant one! Sometimes this ache is undertaken to escape from the emotional torture but this is ultimately no way to tackle it for this is complete self destruction. Anyway I could feel through it!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes! We’re all glued to the screen… and of course people who have nothing are ready to give everything… there hearts are bigger than the oceans….


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