I’m a disgrace.
I know this because I’m not a doctor, or lawyer or an engineer. I have a bachelors in biochemistry but besides that, I’m nothing special. I come from a degrading, toxic culture that praises career as if it’s a rank. As if it’s a cast. And according to that cast, I’m an untouchable. I belong on the bottom of the pyramid.
Even before I was born, probably when I was in my mother’s womb, my parents decided that I would be a doctor. It was tattooed with invisible ink on my forehead, so everyone could see. Everyone did, except me.
Ever since I was young, I had the words rehearsed and whenever someone would ask me what I wanted to be I would smile and say “doctor.” The word sounded sacred like my saying it would make the oceans part or the sky would unveil and would pierce through. I never knew what a doctor was, but in my overactive imagination, as a child, it was close to something divine. Something that was as powerful as a magician. As strong as a beast.
I was convinced that if I was a doctor, I could be equivalent to a revolutionary, who had authority and could win people’s hearts. I made myself believe that I wanted to be a doctor. That it was something I was destined to be. And maybe if I hadn’t gone through that downhill/midlife crises, (I go through that every month), I would’ve been in Med-school right now probably doing my rotations.
I don’t exactly know what pulled me away from the Med-track, but I couldn’t stand taking another science class. It was like I was dragging myself through every hour of college as you do to your body when it’s tired and you have to make it to the finish line. Don’t get me wrong, I love science. Physics is very intriguing. It makes you think outside of the box, where you’re just a puzzle in a maze that’s part of a bigger puzzle. I love chemistry too. Knowing that I’m made up of carbon and hydrogen, yet I have the ability to think for myself and reason. Biology has always been my weakest subject, besides gym in high school of course.
I guess I need to change my own mindset first to change the mindset of others. I am embarrassed to tell people that I’m an author and a blogger. Yes, I’m looking into research, preferably clinical or STEM cell research, it’s not as superior as having a doctor in front of your name. Sometime in the oddest of all times, I have that strong desire to get back into the medical field, but that feeling lasts as long as my nap does. I guess I’m still trying to figure out what I want like Van Gogh, the painter when he was twenty-four. Life shouldn’t be counted in years and you definitely shouldn’t do something because others want it, or because it’s trending.
Sometimes the biggest obstacle we face is the person staring back at us through the mirror. That’s a barrier we need to break. That’s the person we need to work on. Its’ not easy, but then again, nothing in life will come easy…
Picture from Pexel