I want to be you…

Posted on by A. Rinum in Blog

I want to be you….

I want to have your hair, your body, your job, your lifestyle. I want to be everything you are or everything you’re pretending to be. Can we exchange lives for a day or two or maybe forever? You could try to be me, and I’ll perfectly fit into your shoes like Cinderella.

Maybe then you’ll see how the demons I fight with swords of hope are crashing into my mind causing havoc worse than earthquakes. Maybe then you’ll realize that these fake smiles as wide as the horizon are carved with knives of anger. Maybe just maybe you’ll understand that the way I am is because I’m broken into so many different pieces that I can’t seem to glue them back together. And the worst part is that I don’t know what part of me is the original one.

When you’re bouncing between opinions and advice of other people, who think they know more than you…you become lost in this sea of voices that your own voice becomes so dim that it refuses to speak to you.

I want to be you because I envy that voice speaking to you. I want my voice back, but where do I search for it when it’s lost in between this sea of people. Where do I look for myself when I’ve become blind? How do I open my eyes when they’re sealed shut with glue as thick as metal?

I’m not asking for enchanted castles or showers of gold or status’s as big as the sky. All I’m asking for is self-acceptance and I don’t know where to find that. Does it grow on trees? Can I purchase it from Amazon? Would it miraculously fall from the sky? Maybe I can steal it from someone because I’m that desperate.

But NO.

Self-acceptance is something that I need to yank out of myself. I need to dig in deep. Carve out memories… break taboos… tear my insides and drain out all this negativity. Self-acceptance is understanding that you’re imperfect and that is what makes you perfect. Beauty is when you look into the mirror confidently and say, “I Love you just the way you are and there is nothing in the entire world that will make me want to change that.” It’s when you breathe a sigh of relief because you’re content. It’s when that tiny part of your soul is at ease.

Self-acceptance is when those voices in your head are kinder to you than the people around you. It’s when love reflects from you because you’re filled with it.

Photo by Ismael Sanchez from Pexels

Published by A. Rinum

I was born in Pakistan, and I moved to the US when I was four years old. From the rural villages of Pakistan to the buildings of New York. Come take a glimpse into my life.

19 thoughts on “I want to be you…”

    1. It’s taken me 40+ yrs to discover that true acceptance and love for who I am, the woman I now am, has required me to learn to make sense of, accept, & finally say that I so love myself & my journey that I would not change anything. To want to do so would dishonor all my struggles to survive, understand, learn, & heal. I love my life & me: unique & beautiful.
      I pray that your journey will be shorter than mine, and that you will come to free the same❣

      Liked by 2 people

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  3. You write so well, I could relate to each and every single word.
    What is it that we can do to remove this feeling permanently? It always comes back doesn’t it..I wonder what is the step in between the “lost and broken feeling” to the “I will love myself to be worthy enough” part. Merely thinking it doesn’t ensure it is consistent, we basically need to change every fibre of our being to self accept ourselves no matter WHAT. It’s so simple but it’s so hard, isn’t it? 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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