Why is it that sometimes… no matter how many mountains I climb, or how many oceans I sail, or how many bridges I burn I don’t see myself the way I want to. No matter how hard I try I can’t seem to rise to a place where I want to be. It’s like the mountains keep on growing, and day by day I become smaller and smaller.
It’s like I’m stuck in this little plateau and the only thing I can do is jump off it. I could crash, or I could fly. The latter seems more likely. But I am at that point where pain seems like a better option than this feeling of being empty. At least that way I’ll feel something. The numbness creeps up on my skin and takes a hold of my being, making me feel like a hollow body without a soul.
I feel like no matter how many accomplishments I kiss, no matter how many victories I embrace, I won’t ever be satisfied because my heart is not content. I feel like I need validation from people close to me like a child in preschool needs validation from a teacher. I need the people around me to tell me I’m doing a good job because that’s the only way I’ll be convinced. I need people to tell me I’m good for me to believe it, which is bad because when I don’t get the validation I plunge into this hole of self-doubt.
I can look in the mirror and chant, “I’m amazing. I’m beautiful. I’m awesome,” day and night, but I won’t believe it, not until someone comes and tells me those things. The people around me don’t realize but their words have a huge impact on me. Sometimes their words hit like knives and bullets and sometimes they act as a salve. Even the tiniest gesture or a simple sentence could hit like a bomb and I would find myself thinking about it for the next eon.
A person could come and tell me I’m a psychopath and I would believe them because my brain is wired to listen to the outside voices, rather than the voices in my head. This is one of the most toxic traits you can have because it leads directly toward self-destruction and that’s the one thing I’m good at. Destroying myself. The worst form of abuse is the one that comes from within because at the moment you become your biggest enemy and there’s nowhere to run.
If someone told me I was ugly, I would agree with them and I would feel uncomfortable in my own skin and if someone told me I was beautiful, I would make myself believe that I’m worthy of being on the cover of Vogue magazine. Sounds stupid. I know.
Imagine having a computer and you need to reset it or fix it. The first thing you’ll need to do is turn it off, then take out the wires, untangle them and plug them back in. You might even have to reboot it. It takes effort and time, and fear that your ‘useful’ information will be lost with all the useless information.
That’s how rewiring your brain is like. You have to detangle yourself and, in the process, you might even cause more damage, but the best thing is that every form of damage is reversible and curable.
Rewiring your brain is hard. It’s not, ‘oh let me shut my brain off and turn it back on like a computer.’ It’s more of ‘oh shit, this was wrong’ or ‘oh snap I should’ve done that,’ but that’s how you learn. That’s how you progress. That’s how you break bad habits, by replacing them with good ones.
I’m working on myself, by making amends and filling in holes that I have because I was too busy doubting myself. Too busy looking for someone else’s approval. I’ve started listening to that soft voice in the back of my head now. It’s not always nice, but it’s there… dim… and barely audible.
It’s not stupid at all. We learn who we are from others. Learning to listen to ourselves for that voice is really hard. I think you’d enjoy reading the book the four agreements. Sorry, interrupting myself – just it’s based on this point. I think.
Listening only to others never lets us hear our own voice. And you’re Lear. I wish it were a one moment process. Unfortunately it’s not.
Sending hugs….
Love, light and glitter
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Thank you for that ELiza 🙂 and yes the voice in our heads has so much to tell us. It’s about time we listen. I’ll surely check out that book ❤
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Stunning post
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Glad you liked it 🙂
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I think confidence comes with age and experience. You seem to know yourself quite well, a good place to start. Good luck with your journey.
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Thank you for your kind words! Still traveling and looking for a destination 🙂
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All the best with your journey. When you know yourself nothing can tell you otherwise ❤
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Yes! true
Thank you for reading 🙂
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It might be easier to remember that mental illness is exactly that – an illness. Any illness might be benefited by medication, other treatments or just healthy living. My anxiety and depression make it very difficult to focus on logic because my thoughts sometimes lose perspective. Sending you a warm hug and remember you are not alone. I in 4 people have mental ill health at some point in their life.
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Thank you for that 🙂 means a lot. And I hope things work out well for you!
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Thank you! ❤️
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Muchas gracias. ?Como puedo iniciar sesion?
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This is a beautifully written truth ♥️
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You just wrote down my life😭 we’ll be fine, I’m here whenever you feel like talking.beautiful piece btw😘😘
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Thank you for that ❤
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