Losing my energy

Do you ever have those moments where your heart feels distressed? Where that organ pumping blood through your body just becomes stiff and it starts to ache so bad that you feel like you’re having a heart attack. Where your stomach starts to churn for no apparent reason and you feel like you’re about to die even though you’re kind of healthy. Like you don’t jog and you don’t go to the gym type of healthy. But more of a ‘I ate a salad today healthy’.

I’m not diagnosed with any major illnesses- except those that google told me I had. Apparently the headaches I’m getting are from a terminal illness that I can’t even spell or pronounce. According to the internet I have eight months to live.

But my point is that sometimes this distress makes us lose all of our energy. And energy should be seen like money-right. And you invest money it in things that give you comfort- Well sometimes. But my energy drains from my body as fast as water from a pipe hanging vertically from a high building.

Imagine investing money in things that tear your soul away from your body. Literally. Like yanking a thin piece of cloth from a bed of roses that have thorns. It hurts. My energy is like that. I invest it in all the wrong things and the worst part is that I can’t control it. It’s unconscious. It’s like I’m unconsciously draining my bank account. And that’s what I’m doing with my body. Draining out all the positivity and filling it with negativity.

I feel like my soul is being ripped from my body. It’s like I have no control over anything. Like the domino effect: where because of one domino all the other domino’s fall. Even the smallest things that happen are out of my hands. I don’t know what to do. What’s the point of banging my head on a door that refuses to open? Do I just give up, because right now, the pain I’m in is making me numb? Like I can’t think straight. I can’t think at all. It’s like my dense brain refuses to listen to its own self. I know I’m causing destruction to myself, but I just can’t help it. When I’m not going through such a phase, I feel odd because I feel like I should be going through something. It’s like you’ve been in a war all your life, and all of a sudden you’re out of that war and now it just feels weird because you’re not used to that state. It makes you restless.

When my energy is drained I feel tired. Like I just ran a marathon. Like I fought in a war without any weapons. My legs become sore and my back aches- without doing any physical exercise. My stomach churns like I have elephants fighting in there. And my heart thrashes in my ribcage like it’s a prisoner and it wants to escape.

I don’t know where I’m getting at with all this. But the point I’m trying to make is that the internal energy we all possess is being released all day. And when we go through negative emotions more energy is consumed. Think of it like this: when you’re stressed you release cortisol (the stress hormone) and when you’re happy you release dopamine and oxytocin (the happy and motherly hormone). Releasing dopamine and oxytocin make you happy. Releasing too much cortisol can lead to anxiety and depression or even high cholesterol.

It’s not easy to stop yourself from falling in this loop of negativity. It’s like trying to carry a 50 ton building on your back in extreme weather when everything around you is on fire. You get the point. It’s hard. But your energy is very important and it should be taken care of. Breaking bad habits is complicated, but the end results are always worth it. You have a limited energy in you and you should use that limited energy wisely. Start with the little things.