Anxiety and suicide

“Anxiety is not a big deal.
Get over it.
It’s all in your head.
You’re overreacting.
Stop acting so childish.
Your faith is weak.
You need to pray more.”

These are just a few things I’ve heard over the past few years of being diagnosed with an anxiety disorder.

Everyone is right. It’s not a big deal. It shouldn’t be, but then why do I feel like my heart is about to explode. Why do I feel like my stomach is dropping and my legs are wobbling? Why do I feel like my mind is planning against my entire existence? Why am I not at ease? Why am I not in peace? Why am I restless? Why is there a thunderstorm erupting inside every cell in my body?

How do I explain to people that I have moments where I want to hide under the bed or moments where I want to run away but I don’t exactly know where? How do I tell people that there is a voice in the back of my head telling me that maybe if I slice my wrist everything would be okay? Or maybe if I swallow those pills then I wouldn’t feel this way.

Sometimes I physically tire myself on purpose because I wouldn’t be able to think if I can’t physically feel. My muscles ache and that’s the only form of pain I can deal with. The thoughts in the back of my head simmer down and the pain of my body takes over.

Anxiety makes you do some questionable things. It makes you desperate for an escape. It makes you question your own existence. You fall into a well of self-doubt and sometimes self-hatred. It’s like a spiral that ends up being an empty void. You become anxious for not knowing why you’re anxious, which makes you more anxious.

It strains your relationships. You constantly need reassurance and when you don’t get that reassurance you shut down like an over worked computer. Sometimes anxiety makes you angry and you lash out, on yourself and on the people around you. You guilt trip yourself, which slowly destroys you from the inside.

But every wound has a starting point likewise anxiety, depression and any other mental illness might have a starting point too. It could be something as small as picking up the phone. That little thing slowly piles up and transforms into a monster that becomes untamable, and that untamable monster might lead to one thing, which could lead to another thing which could end at suicide. And suicide is nothing less than a murder.

Any mental illness could be a chemical imbalance in your brain, or it could be a physical imbalance in your soul. Either way it’s equally terrifying.

Don’t ever feel alone or lonely. Know that you are brave for fighting those demons that no one can see but you. Know that it requires strength and courage to face a faceless monster. Know that despite all those aches, worries, cruel thoughts you’re still here in one piece, willing to push through. Know that it’s okay to take a break when things get overwhelming. It’s okay to feel wounded, defeated and vulnerable. Just know its okay and if its not then it will be.  

If you’re struggling with anxiety, get help. If you know someone who is struggling with anxiety be the help they need. Sometimes the most silent battles cause the most damage…