Late realizations

“Oxidation of Acetyl acid,” my professor is talking about the Krebs cycle. It’s a biological pathway that is used to create energy. I spent the last two days on YouTube, watching different videos trying to absorb all this information.

I know what she’s talking about, but I can’t focus. I don’t want to focus. I feel like my mind is elsewhere, but I don’t exactly know where. For the first fifteen minutes, I stare at her, jotting down as many notes as I can in my notebook, without absorbing anything in my mind. The words on my notebook seem like ancient symbols, similar to hieroglyphs. My writing is so messy and uncivilized that I can’t tell the difference between the writings of cavemen and mine. I put away my biochemistry notebook, pull out my writing pad and instantly start scribbling. Her words slowly simmer down and the voice in my head takes control.

“What’s the point of working so hard.” 
“Why are u putting in so much effort.”
“Is this what you really want to do with your future?”

One by one the thoughts start to consume me. My heart starts to pound in my chest, and it becomes so loud that I’m afraid the professor standing in front of the room can hear it too.

I try to shake the thoughts away, but they stick with me like glue as they slowly settle in the back of my head.

I try to focus back on the teacher’s words but for some reason, I can’t. I’m lost but sadly I know exactly where I am.

I sink into the seat, wondering what I’m doing with my life. Questioning every single thing. What is it that I want from my future? Do I actually want to get into the medical field? The answer was a simple no. But I refused to listen to it because I was afraid of a future I couldn’t see.

I wrote this in my biochemistry class. I was struggling not with the curriculum but with the thoughts I was having.

Now I’m married. I have a kid and I’m working on getting my real estate license. I’m also focusing on getting my books published. I know it’s not an easy journey but it’s the one I’m willing to suffer through. I’m actually glad I didn’t go through the process of applying to medical school. It would’ve caused more mental harm than good.

Sometimes when your body is telling you something you should listen to it. It’s sending you signals. It’s communicating with you. It’s letting you know that what you’re doing physically is impacting you negatively. I just wish I had listened to my instinct as soon as it came into existence. 

Photo by Min An: https://www.pexels.com/photo/sticky-note-lot-1629212/